Is it normal to have a crush on a fictional character?

This search, of course, turned up in the stats from my blog about Richard Grieco. The very first post on that blog was called "It's Perfectly Normal to Have a Crush on a Fictional Character from the 80s." It was about how late one night, when I was sick and up alone watching old television shows, I tripped over this:

The thing is, I was being facetious.

But, when this question showed up in my stats, I started thinking a little more seriously about what "normal" meant in this context. If we apply the technical definition of "normal" and look to see whether it's "the norm," or typical, the answer would appear to be yes.

Prince Zuko

I asked around a little, though my sample may have been skewed. I started with my daughter, who I know to have harbored a long time crush on Prince Zuko. In case you're not familiar with Prince Zuko, he's not only fictional but also a cartoon character.

Initially, she tried to discourage me from mentioning her cartoon character crush, but then she turned to a different approach: diverting me with tales of her friend's crush on this guy, who is apparently sort of a claymation character or something.

Whatever that guy's name is from
How to Train Your Dragon 2

So...maybe not so unusual after all. And my own personal guilty secret is that while the whole Booker thing was just a crush, I am straight up in love with Francisco D'Anconia--it's unlikely that any real man will ever quite measure up to the ideal he created when I was 16 years old.

Does this mean it's normal? Not necessarily. But it surely means that if you're asking this question, you're not alone.

And, if you're thinking about your crush in terms of a fictional character, then I'd guess that you're a good bit closer to the normal end of the spectrum than those (seemingly many) folks who mix the character with the actor, attribute characteristics from the role to the actual person and then deem themselves "in love" with celebrities. I mean, you know the character, right? You may not have met him (because...well...he may not exist), but you know who he is.

So, you know...enjoy. Just don't lose sight of the lines.

Does persistence pay off in love?

Often, the questions I answer on this blog are pretty straightforward, but this isn't one of those times. Right off the bat, it's complicated by definitions: I'm assuming we're talking about romantic love, but is it really love, or something more like obsession or infatuation? The suggestion that persistence might be required in order to sustain a loving relationship has obvious merit. No couple stays "in love" every minute of every day of a long marriage, and often it's only a conscious decision to stick it out, to try to see the other person in the best possible light, to make an effort to adjust and compromise that keeps a relationship alive through those tough times.

And, that's true of non-romantic love, too. Any parent will tell you that there are times when he or she has to bite his tongue to remain loving and positive in the face of a child's temper tantrum or a teen's proclamation that you're ruined her life and she'll hate you for the rest of her life.

But, I suspect that none of this is what that search visitor was looking for. I suspect, instead, that "Does persistence pay off in love?" meant, "If I stick it out long enough, will he/she eventually realize that I am the love of his/her life and live happily ever after with me?"

No.

Every post on this blog is a response to a direct question found in the search statistics for one of my other blogs. This one came from a post about men who won't take no for an answer on Life, Love and Online Dating.

Why did Macy's kill Marshall Fields?

I'm not sure how to interpret this question: it could mean "Why did Macy's rebrand all of the Marshall Field stores when it bought out the company?" or it could mean, "Why did Macy's turn previously elegant stores with great merchandise, a very old reputation and excellent service into crap?"

Either one is a fair question. The first is a bit hard to answer, given that the response was pretty much universally negative. Chicagoans in particular reacted badly to the rebranding of the flagship State Street store, but either they weren't alone or the impact spread beyond local borders--the issue has arisen again and again at stockholder meetings.

Obviously, rebranding the stores took time and money from the parent company, and there doesn't seem to have been any upside in terms of public response--and that was clear before the actual change got underway. So, turning Marshall Field into Macy's doesn't make a whole lot of sense from an economic or public relations standpoint.

Turning the stores into crap, however, probably makes a lot of financial sense. By filling the shelves with the same merchandise that's being offered all over the country, the chain undoubtedly gets larger discounts on its purchasing. And, since merchandise quality appears to have diminished without any accompanying drop in prices, I'd hazard a guess that profit margins on individual sales are up.

I have to admit that the changes that have taken place in the store itself make me glad (though I was very unhappy when the change was announced) that Macy's decided to rebrand the stores. It was a shame to see Marshall Field die, but it would have been worse to watch it deteriorate. At least this way, it's Macy's that's turned into a seven-story Wal-Mart rather than our beloved Marshall Field.

Each post on the Search Engine Question Pool answers a direct question found in the search statistics for one of my other blogs. This one came from Tiffany Talks

Richard Grieco How He Keeps in Shape?

As you probably guessed, this inquiry came from a non-American, but I think her (or his) meaning is clear. I'm assuming it means something like, "Holy crap.  I just saw Richard Grieco with his shirt off and...dude...the guy is almost 50, you know. Why does he still have the same abs he had on 21 Jump Street?"

Fair question.

If you need some context, click here to see Richard Grieco's abs across two decades.  And, based on this picture that Adrian Paul shared during the filming of AE: Apocalypse Earth earlier this year, the muscles in Grieco's upper legs put his amazing abs to shame.

How does he do it?

I don't know exactly, but here are a few things Richard has mentioned in interviews recently:

• He "has eleven years of Tae Boxing"
• He has, at least at some point, regularly "run the hill"

In addition, Grieco is a serious motorcycle enthusiast, and there's some evidence that riding a motorcycle improves physical health and muscle tone.

In addition to all that, Grieco's artwork isn't of the "sit on a stool and paint on a canvas" variety. He paints on large canvasses on the ground, using a variety of materials and often seems to end up with paint all over his body; all in all, it appears to be a very physical process.

What is This Blog All About?

Sometimes, my search traffic makes me crazy. It's sort of like someone popped his or her head into my office, asked a question, and then was called away before I could answer...and I never saw him again. Sometimes, the questions are inane: I often get variations on "What's wrong with SpongeBob?" I don't actually have the answer to that, though I have been known to identify the odd Bikini Bottom logical dilemma now and then. I also get a fair amount of traffic on questions like, "Where are the bees?" and "What's wrong with the bees?" I can't answer those questions, though sometimes they're entertaining.

I also get search traffic, though, on questions I CAN answer...if only those search stats would leave me a phone number or email address! I know the answer to "how bad is it to get married outside the Catholic church?" and "what is the easiest state to get married in?" I even have a viable theory on "what's wrong with Cinderella?" But I didn't answer those questions on my blogs, and I don't know where to send the response card.

This blog will consist ENTIRELY of posts responsive to the search traffic on my other blogs. I can't promise to answer all the questions, though I will endeavor to answer those that seem to require serious answers. I'll also share some of the crazy ones and open some up to the floor for debate or suggestions. I think it's going to be fun. Educational sometimes, but always fun.

Should a Teen Girl Wear a Push-Up Bra?

As I often do when a question relates to teens or tweens, I asked my 8th grade daughter whether she wanted to weigh in on this one.

Her first reaction was a face that I wish desperately that I could duplicate here. It really did say it all.

But then, as if she sensed that the readers at home wouldn't be able to see her very telling facial expression, she gave voice to her response: "Why would you even have to search that?"

I'm inclined to agree with her, but if you DO think you need to search that, you might want to check out When Tweens Dress Like Tramps.

Do You Have Free Speech on Message Boards?

In a word, no.

For a full explanation of what the Constitutional amendment regarding freedom of speech does and does not protect, read: Freedom of Speech - Let Me Tell You What It's Not

In a nutshell, the 1st Amendment (like the rest of the Bill of Rights) places limitations on governmental action...and governmental action only.

There is a lot of confusion over this issue, and people on message boards often complain that moderators who remove their comments (or even other participants on the message board who simply complain about others' comments) are somehow interfering with their free speech rights. Unless the moderator or other member is acting under color of law, as a representative of some branch of government, that's simply not possible.

With very few limited exceptions, the private owner of a website, blog, forum, etc. can set any limits he or she likes, and delete any comment he or she likes.

Should I Self-Publish Fiction?

Almost certainly not.

Before I elaborate, let me be clear: In the writing world there is a sharp division between those who believe self-publishing is a good idea and those who don't. I fall into the former category. That is, I am a fan of self-publishing, and even have some very profitable experience with it myself.

That said, I think that for nearly everyone, self-publishing fiction is a bad idea.

I discussed some of the reasons that self-publishing fiction doesn't usually work out in this post on my writing blog: Self-Publishing Fiction

There's also some useful information to be had from Moira Allen in this Self-Publishing FAQ. This piece is from 2001, which is roughly a thousand years in self-publishing technology, so some of the specifics here are outdated. However, the general overview of the pros, cons and pitfalls holds up.

Here are a few of the primary concerns in a nutshell:

-It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to be price-competitive with a self-published fiction book

-Distribution channels are much more limited--some of the major bookstore chains simply won't consider carrying books published through some of the most common presses for "self-published" fiction

-Marketing a book is a full-time job

-Most of the effectively strategies for marketing a self-published book involve expertise or making a "name" in a niche area, conducting relevant workshops and presentations, publishing related articles, etc.--and those techniques apply almost exclusively to non-fiction works

Just a few key things to think about; there are definitely more.

Should I Give My Fourteen Year Old Birth Control?

No.

Can You Die from Rape?

Yes.

Of course, most rape victims don't die, but it can certainly happen.

Some rape victims are actively murdered by their assailants.

Others sustain injuries during the rape that prove fatal.

Still others contract diseases from their attackers.

Anyone who has been sexually assaulted should seek medical attention.

Can You Get Pregnant in a Pool?

My daughter thought this question belonged on What's Wrong Around Us?. But, in addition to this being the place where I answer odd questions that pop up in my stats, this one actually landed to this blog.

Naturally, I have to begin by saying, "Well, that depends on what you mean by that."

(Does it seem like I say that on this blog a lot?)

If you're talking about that old myth/fear/excuse about random sperm floating around in a public swimming pool and impregnating innocent and usually virginal swimmers, that would be a firm "no".

If, on the other hand, you're hoping that something about the water or chlorine or other chemicals is going to act as birth control if you have sex in a swimming pool, that's ALSO a big old "no".

Two Guys Walk Into a Bar, and the Third One Ducks

I'm breaking protocol tonight.

When I started this blog, I resolved only to post responses to exact quotes that appeared in my search stats in the form of a question. And, while the phrase above appears often in my search stats, I've never seen it in the form of a question. I decided to break the rule and post about it anyway, because I'm convinced that it's intended as a question. Here's why: That's the whole joke. It makes sense for ONE LINE of a joke to appear in search stats...maybe someone couldn't remember exactly how it went, or needed to find out the punch line. But in the case of "Two guys walk into a bar, and the third one ducks", that's all she wrote. There is no more. It's the set-up and the punchline all rolled into one...so what could a person who Googled the WHOLE JOKE be looking for?

Finally, after dozens of people had arrived at one of my blogs by Googling this joke in its entirety, I decided that they were looking for an explanation.

So here it is. (Be warned, I am no artist. There is a reason I deal so exclusively in words. Still, I think that if in fact you're sitting there scratching your head over "two guys walk into a bar and the third one ducks", this will clear it up for you.)

Is Patrick Stewart a Good Kisser?

Dude.

Before I even tackle this one, I've gotta know: Why do you ask?

Because--and I've got to be honest here, even though it might be painful--the odds that you're going to be kissing Patrick Stewart are pretty damned slim. Unless, of course, you're personally acquainted with Patrick Stewart, in which case it's kind of weird that you're looking for the answer to this question on the Internet. Or you're not talking about the Patrick Stewart of Star Trek fame, but some other Patrick Stewart who is (just for example) a community college student in Iowa. If that's the case, there's probably a better chance that this information might be pertinent to you, but there's almost no chance that you're going to find the answer on the Internet.

So here's my advice:

If you know Patrick Stewart (whether we're talking about the star to stage and screen or the community college student or someone I haven't even thought to mention) and you're sitting around wondering whether or not he's a good kisser....check it out. Unless, of course, he's married. Or you are. If that's the case, stop wondering at once.

If you're not in a position to find out the answer for yourself, there is no answer. None. Because, you see, "good" is a subjective term. Good kissing is a joint effort. What you're really asking is, "Would I like the way Patrick Stewart kisses?" And really....how in the heck would we know?

Do Parents Have an Impact on Tweens?

Yes.

We're a major annoyance to them.

Which Amendment Tells About Freedom of Speech?

That would be the 1st Amendment, which is also the amendment that covers freedom of religion and freedom of assembly. It's packed with protections, for such a brief little provision.

I've previously discussed the right to free speech in another post, so I won't go into a lot of detail here. However, here is the full text of the 1st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

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What Do Spongebob's Nuts Look Like?

I must admit, I almost didn't answer this one.

It wasn't just that I was a little afraid of the person who might be seeking such information, though that was certainly a factor.

Mostly, though, I was just afraid that I'd...you know...find out the answer.

I've never really thought of Spongebob that way.

I couldn't bring myself to look.

Fortunately, I have an unofficial research assistant in the form of humor writer Barb Cooper. Barb's married, so she wasn't afraid to look.

She got right back to me with good news: He doesn't have any.

I'm not 100% confident, though. After all, THIS sponge doesn't have eyes, either. Or arms. Or feet. Or a nose. I guess anything is possible.


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What Do Tweens Like?

This is obviously a trick question. First, what any given tween likes will differ radically from what another tween likes, despite apparent similarities in age, interest and background. Except, of course, with regard to the Jonas Brothers
. That's pretty consistent.

Beyond that, what one specific tween likes will vary wildly from one moment to the next, without notice. As parents, we are expected to discern these internal and unspoken changes and adapt on the fly, so that we don't inadvertantly suggest a CD or television show that, while cherished at 11:02 a.m., is totally embarrassing at 11:13. Except, of course, with regard to the Jonas Brothers. They're pretty consistent.

There is one area (besides the Jonas Brothers) in which we can safely predict what a tween will like: anything we think is too old or inappropriate for her. This includes R-rated movies, particularly those of the gruesome horror variety or the extremely risque ones. Note that it makes little difference whether your tween actually enjoys such movies, or even whether she'll be sitting up all night staring at the shadows on the wall and wishing she still had her teddy bear in bed with her--whatever carries the teenage aura is coveted, no matter what she's really interested in deep down in her heart and mind.

The same goes for trashy clothing. No matter that it's uncomfortable and often unflattering. It's a Sign of Growing Up.

Good news, though. The tween phase doesn't last, and the one upside to the acceleration of all these teen-angst issues is that they're out of the way sooner, too.


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If Prostitution Was Legal, Would There Still be Rape?

Yep.

No question.

You see, rape--or at least, some rape--isn't about sex at all. It's about violence, power, control, force, anger...things that aren't as easily satisfied by renting someone's body for the evening as mere sexual frustration might be.

Here is some more in-depth information about the causes of rape: Causes of Rape

Some will argue that all rape is about violence rather than sex, but I do not believe that research or statistics bear that out. Changing culture over the past few decades has brought about a higher incidence of the type of rape commonly described as "date rape" and a greater likelihood of rape being reported, and with that new information new layers of complexity have appeared.

In any case, it's clear that the rapes that are motivated by violence toward women will not be eliminated by making sex more readily available through legalization of prostitution.

Even where it is about sex, or partially about sex, it's often about SPECIFIC sex (in particular, sex that a rapist feels was in some way "promised" and then not delivered); thus, the availability of an alternative would likely have little or no impact on the in-the-moment reaction.

Further, it is worth noting that in today's society, sex IS fairly readily available. Many accused rapists are young, attractive, well-to-do, and not at all likely to be unable to find sexual release without force. Thus, if it were simply a matter of providing an easily accessible alternative, the problem of rape would largedly have been solved by cultural evolution over the past few decades.


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I Don't Like Birth Control What's My Other Alternatives?

Taking your question literally, you really only have two choices: you can refrain from having sex, or you can have children. Of course, you may be sterile, or beyond childbearing years, or just extraordinarily lucky, but for the most part, those are the options.

That's so obvious, though, that I have to suspect that you don't really mean exactly what you wrote. I'm going to go out on a limb a little and assume that what you meant was that you don't like birth control pills, or hormonal birth control. That's a wise sentiment. Hormonal birth control is safer than it used to be, which unfortunately leads many people to believe that it's safer that it is and to overlook the potentially serious side effects of birth control pills and other hormonal birth control.

So, assuming that what you're looking for is actually an alternative form of birth control, there is a lot of information about various forms of birth control available on the web.

However, each has its own downsides. Some forms of contraception are less effective than others, and none are foolproof. Some carry risks of infection, some require fitting (or even insertion) by a medical professional. Some are just plain messy and/or inconvenient.

Therefore, the best answer to this question (aside from the prospect of a charming baby, of course--I'm pretty crazy about mine) is to talk to your doctor about the birth control options available to you and the pros, cons, and risks associated with each type of contraceptive.

Unless, of course, you're in middle school (or the parent of a middleschooler). Then, read this: Birth Control for Middle Schoolers? I Think We're Missing the Point


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What Size Doggie Door Do I Need for a German Shepherd?

It turns out you have to measure him.

Here is some advice on how to determine what size doggie door you need: Measuring Your Pet.

You might think that measuring your pet for a doggie door would be pretty straightforward, but it turns out that apparently you don't actually need an opening as big as your dog. That's good news, too, because my first thought when I read this question was that any doggie door that was cut to fit a German Shepherd would also fit a small to average burglar quite nicely.


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