Two Guys Walk Into a Bar, and the Third One Ducks

I'm breaking protocol tonight.

When I started this blog, I resolved only to post responses to exact quotes that appeared in my search stats in the form of a question. And, while the phrase above appears often in my search stats, I've never seen it in the form of a question. I decided to break the rule and post about it anyway, because I'm convinced that it's intended as a question. Here's why: That's the whole joke. It makes sense for ONE LINE of a joke to appear in search stats...maybe someone couldn't remember exactly how it went, or needed to find out the punch line. But in the case of "Two guys walk into a bar, and the third one ducks", that's all she wrote. There is no more. It's the set-up and the punchline all rolled into one...so what could a person who Googled the WHOLE JOKE be looking for?

Finally, after dozens of people had arrived at one of my blogs by Googling this joke in its entirety, I decided that they were looking for an explanation.

So here it is. (Be warned, I am no artist. There is a reason I deal so exclusively in words. Still, I think that if in fact you're sitting there scratching your head over "two guys walk into a bar and the third one ducks", this will clear it up for you.)

Is Patrick Stewart a Good Kisser?

Dude.

Before I even tackle this one, I've gotta know: Why do you ask?

Because--and I've got to be honest here, even though it might be painful--the odds that you're going to be kissing Patrick Stewart are pretty damned slim. Unless, of course, you're personally acquainted with Patrick Stewart, in which case it's kind of weird that you're looking for the answer to this question on the Internet. Or you're not talking about the Patrick Stewart of Star Trek fame, but some other Patrick Stewart who is (just for example) a community college student in Iowa. If that's the case, there's probably a better chance that this information might be pertinent to you, but there's almost no chance that you're going to find the answer on the Internet.

So here's my advice:

If you know Patrick Stewart (whether we're talking about the star to stage and screen or the community college student or someone I haven't even thought to mention) and you're sitting around wondering whether or not he's a good kisser....check it out. Unless, of course, he's married. Or you are. If that's the case, stop wondering at once.

If you're not in a position to find out the answer for yourself, there is no answer. None. Because, you see, "good" is a subjective term. Good kissing is a joint effort. What you're really asking is, "Would I like the way Patrick Stewart kisses?" And really....how in the heck would we know?

Do Parents Have an Impact on Tweens?

Yes.

We're a major annoyance to them.

Which Amendment Tells About Freedom of Speech?

That would be the 1st Amendment, which is also the amendment that covers freedom of religion and freedom of assembly. It's packed with protections, for such a brief little provision.

I've previously discussed the right to free speech in another post, so I won't go into a lot of detail here. However, here is the full text of the 1st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

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What Do Spongebob's Nuts Look Like?

I must admit, I almost didn't answer this one.

It wasn't just that I was a little afraid of the person who might be seeking such information, though that was certainly a factor.

Mostly, though, I was just afraid that I'd...you know...find out the answer.

I've never really thought of Spongebob that way.

I couldn't bring myself to look.

Fortunately, I have an unofficial research assistant in the form of humor writer Barb Cooper. Barb's married, so she wasn't afraid to look.

She got right back to me with good news: He doesn't have any.

I'm not 100% confident, though. After all, THIS sponge doesn't have eyes, either. Or arms. Or feet. Or a nose. I guess anything is possible.


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What Do Tweens Like?

This is obviously a trick question. First, what any given tween likes will differ radically from what another tween likes, despite apparent similarities in age, interest and background. Except, of course, with regard to the Jonas Brothers
. That's pretty consistent.

Beyond that, what one specific tween likes will vary wildly from one moment to the next, without notice. As parents, we are expected to discern these internal and unspoken changes and adapt on the fly, so that we don't inadvertantly suggest a CD or television show that, while cherished at 11:02 a.m., is totally embarrassing at 11:13. Except, of course, with regard to the Jonas Brothers. They're pretty consistent.

There is one area (besides the Jonas Brothers) in which we can safely predict what a tween will like: anything we think is too old or inappropriate for her. This includes R-rated movies, particularly those of the gruesome horror variety or the extremely risque ones. Note that it makes little difference whether your tween actually enjoys such movies, or even whether she'll be sitting up all night staring at the shadows on the wall and wishing she still had her teddy bear in bed with her--whatever carries the teenage aura is coveted, no matter what she's really interested in deep down in her heart and mind.

The same goes for trashy clothing. No matter that it's uncomfortable and often unflattering. It's a Sign of Growing Up.

Good news, though. The tween phase doesn't last, and the one upside to the acceleration of all these teen-angst issues is that they're out of the way sooner, too.


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If Prostitution Was Legal, Would There Still be Rape?

Yep.

No question.

You see, rape--or at least, some rape--isn't about sex at all. It's about violence, power, control, force, anger...things that aren't as easily satisfied by renting someone's body for the evening as mere sexual frustration might be.

Here is some more in-depth information about the causes of rape: Causes of Rape

Some will argue that all rape is about violence rather than sex, but I do not believe that research or statistics bear that out. Changing culture over the past few decades has brought about a higher incidence of the type of rape commonly described as "date rape" and a greater likelihood of rape being reported, and with that new information new layers of complexity have appeared.

In any case, it's clear that the rapes that are motivated by violence toward women will not be eliminated by making sex more readily available through legalization of prostitution.

Even where it is about sex, or partially about sex, it's often about SPECIFIC sex (in particular, sex that a rapist feels was in some way "promised" and then not delivered); thus, the availability of an alternative would likely have little or no impact on the in-the-moment reaction.

Further, it is worth noting that in today's society, sex IS fairly readily available. Many accused rapists are young, attractive, well-to-do, and not at all likely to be unable to find sexual release without force. Thus, if it were simply a matter of providing an easily accessible alternative, the problem of rape would largedly have been solved by cultural evolution over the past few decades.


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I Don't Like Birth Control What's My Other Alternatives?

Taking your question literally, you really only have two choices: you can refrain from having sex, or you can have children. Of course, you may be sterile, or beyond childbearing years, or just extraordinarily lucky, but for the most part, those are the options.

That's so obvious, though, that I have to suspect that you don't really mean exactly what you wrote. I'm going to go out on a limb a little and assume that what you meant was that you don't like birth control pills, or hormonal birth control. That's a wise sentiment. Hormonal birth control is safer than it used to be, which unfortunately leads many people to believe that it's safer that it is and to overlook the potentially serious side effects of birth control pills and other hormonal birth control.

So, assuming that what you're looking for is actually an alternative form of birth control, there is a lot of information about various forms of birth control available on the web.

However, each has its own downsides. Some forms of contraception are less effective than others, and none are foolproof. Some carry risks of infection, some require fitting (or even insertion) by a medical professional. Some are just plain messy and/or inconvenient.

Therefore, the best answer to this question (aside from the prospect of a charming baby, of course--I'm pretty crazy about mine) is to talk to your doctor about the birth control options available to you and the pros, cons, and risks associated with each type of contraceptive.

Unless, of course, you're in middle school (or the parent of a middleschooler). Then, read this: Birth Control for Middle Schoolers? I Think We're Missing the Point


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What Size Doggie Door Do I Need for a German Shepherd?

It turns out you have to measure him.

Here is some advice on how to determine what size doggie door you need: Measuring Your Pet.

You might think that measuring your pet for a doggie door would be pretty straightforward, but it turns out that apparently you don't actually need an opening as big as your dog. That's good news, too, because my first thought when I read this question was that any doggie door that was cut to fit a German Shepherd would also fit a small to average burglar quite nicely.


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Can You Get Pregnant From Rape?

For obvious reasons, this one alarmed me.

Yes. Absolutely. Sex is sex, and whether it's voluntary or not if semen enters the vagina, you can get pregnant.

Of course, physical and emotional trauma can also impact your hormone production and throw off your menstrual cycle.

Bottom line: See a doctor. Please. Right away.


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How Does Tiffany Know the Jonas Brothers?

I don't.

Really.

However, I'm going to guess that the person who asked this question didn't mean me.

My first thought was that the question referred to 80s singer Tiffany, because she's the only Tiffany I recall having gone by only her first name.

I suggested that to my daughter, and she said, "Who is Tiffany?" She's 12 and dead center for the Jonas Brothers demographic, so I had to rethink that. In fact, I couldn't come up with another possibility (still really sure they didn't mean me), so I did some Googling myself.

I came to the conclusion that the question related to singer Tiffany Giardina. My daughter hadn't heard of her either, and she was a little edgy about that fact, but it turned out that her music wasn't bad, and she's got a little video on her MySpace page in which Kevin Jonas calls her "our best friend". I suspect a slight exaggeration, but her bio says that she grew up with the Jonas Brothers (there's your answer, if that's what you're looking for).


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What Does Reality Really Mean?

About the same time, I also got "What's really real?" and "What does reality mean to you?"

Honestly, I'm baffled by the idea that the answer to this question is somehow subjected. I'm baffled by the idea that people sit around speculating about whether what they're experiencing is really more real or really less real than other potential realities occurring in their minds or parallel universes or as hypothetical futures.

Look around. Those dirty dishes waiting for you are real. So is the fact that it's entirely within your power to change the fact that there are dirty dishes waiting for you. The sun shining down on you is real, the taste of that peach you just pulled off a tree is real, your relationships are real (even though they may not be exactly what you think they are).

We don't have our own personal, individualized realities. What you see is what there is. Live in it. It's really not so bad.


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The Sun Also Rises What's Wrong with Jake?

I'm going to assume that the question is intended literally. There are a number of arguments possible as to what might be "wrong with Jake" psychologically or as a character, but I'm guessing the question here is about Jake's war wound.

We're never told exactly what's wrong with Jake; the only thing we know is that his war injury makes it impossible for him to consummate a relationship with Brett. Direct information about the nature and extent of the injury is very limited, but this probably isn't merely a matter of delicacy. Much of Hemingway's best work is characterized by a bare-bones approach that requires some work on the reader's part, and The Sun Also Rises is perhaps the best novel-length example of that technique.


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What is mean the free writing?

Free writing is an excercise that involves writing for a fixed period of time. It's called "free writing" because the exercise is intended to help the creative juices flow by eliminating concerns about what to write, grammatical perfection and other inhibiting factors. The key to free writing is to simply keep writing, even if you have no idea what to write--even if you have to write that you aren't really comfortable free writing and don't feel like you have anything to say. Keep the pen moving across the paper.

In some cases, you'll be surprised by the gem or two you find hidden in your free writing or you'll ramble your way into the beginning of something worth continuing later. But don't worry about those things; if you're aiming for them, then it won't be free writing at all.


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I'm a Divorced Catholic, Can I Go to Church?

Yes. Please do.

First things first: you can ALWAYS go to church! Always.

There are circumstances under which you may not be able to take communion. If, for instance, your marriage was invalid and you haven't been to confession, or if you have remarried outside the church. It would be best to consult a priest before receiving communion. But go to church.


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What Song Does Rick Springfield Sing on General Hospital?

The name of the song is "Who Killed Rock-n-Roll?", and a video clip of the performance is available on YouTube.

Rick Springfield fans might not agree with this assessment, but it was a questionable choice under the circumstances. The song is part of a CD scheduled to be released later this year, and thus unknown to General Hospital fans and Rick Springfield fans from the 80s who haven't kept up with the rocker.

While it made sense with the story line (Springfield was doing double duty as his character from the 80s, Dr. Noah Drake, and an Australian rock star named Eli Love) that the song performed shouldn't be recognizably Rick Springfield, those who clamored to no avail to hear Springfield sing on General Hospital the first time around were undoubtedly looking for one of his hits.

To Springfield's credit, he declined to perform on the show in the 80s--at the height of his dual popularity as soap star and chart-topping Grammy winner--because it was inconsistent with his physician character. It took a look-alike character to bring Springfield to the stage on GH, and while the storyline might have been a bit of a stretch, it was fairly standard soap opera fare and did address Springfield's long-standing concern.


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Is It Bad to Stop Taking Birth Control in the Middle?

That depends.

In the middle of what?



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How Big is My Dryer?

Honestly, I don't know. I might be able to make an educated guess if you'd given a little more information, or maybe left a photograph, because I recently did some shopping for washers and dryers. With nothing but the question to go on, though, this one is wide open.

Fortunately, though, this is an easy question to answer. The manufacturer's website will provide both information about the capacity of your dryer and about the external dimensions. So, whether you're looking for information about where you can fit the dryer or what you can fit IN the dryer, that information is readily available.


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What's Wrong With Constitutional Amendments?

Nothing, when they're used properly.

But as long as you asked, here's the problem that has frequently arisen with regard to Constitutional amendments in recent years. The United States Constitution was never intended to be a source of substantive law. The Constitution itself, pre-amendments, created a system of government and defined the roles of each branch and the relationship between the federal government and the states. That's what it was for.

The first ten amendments to the Constitution placed limitations on governmental power to restrict individuals.

Over time, other amendments were added. Many of the amendments following the original ten relate to voting rights and procedures. Only two amendments ever addressed substantive issue. The first was the 13th amendment, which abolished slavery within the United States. Frankly, I think the 13th amendment is a little dicey as written, but there are some justifications for it. The amendment effectively repealed a portion of Article IV of the Consitution, which addressed the interaction of slave states and free states. More importantly the amendment, though worded substantively, actually continued in the spirit of the original ten amendments by placing a limitation on the ability of states to deny individual rights and freedoms by sanctioning slavery.

The other piece of substantive legislation slipped into the Constitution was, of course, the 18th amendment, commonly known as "Prohibition". The 18th amendment was repealed by the 21st amendment, which in and of itself should give us pause. In the more than 200 years since the Constitution was written, there have been only 27 amendments...and we've used two of them to outlaw alcohol and then change our minds.

History gives us a lot of reasons to doubt the wisdom of Prohibition, and those reasons are often applied in other contexts today, particularly to the issue of legalization of various other drugs. The truth of the matter is, though, that the biggest problem with Prohibition had nothing to do with whether or not alcohol should be legal. The biggest problem with Prohibition is that people with an agenda used the Constitution to make substantive law--and that's not what the Constitution is for. It wasn't what it was for then, and it's not what it's for now, when politicians who know that perfectly well but want to make splashy statements advocate Constitutional amendments about marriage.

The issue at stake when that kind of amendment is proposed has nothing to do with marriage or even politics. It has to do with our system of government, with a 200+ year old document that was created for a very specific purpose and that has served that purpose for generations with very few amendments. It's not a place to make law, and it was never meant to be. It's not something we want to clutter up with amendments repealing other amendments and qualifying other amendments and adjusting amendments to amendments. It's the framework of our government. Let's leave it alone unless we want to make structural changes.


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What's Wrong With Men?

I know, I know.

But someone searched this. Seriously.




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Does Writing Really Help You Remember?

Yes.

That said, I can think of at least three different things this question might mean. Fortunately, the answer to each is the same--at least in the short form. It does, or at least it can.

If you mean, "Will writing something down soon after the fact help you remember it later?" my experience definitely says yes. I was an avid journaler from the age of nine into my twenties, and I definitely find that reading my old journals brings back memories--not just flat stories that I can remember happening, but actual visual, experiential memories. Whether or not the act of recording itself helps afix something in your mind, I'm not certain. But it seems likely, because of the second kind of writing to remember that springs to mind--the kind you do when you're studying or trying to memorize a speech. Recreating your notes or reformatting them into an outline is a great way to help information seep into your brain and take hold.

The third possible meaning is a bit different (and I'm a bit less certain about the answer), but I still think the answer is yes. That's writing to remember something that you've already forgotten. For instance, can journaling help one to recall childhood incidents that have been buried, or just plain slipped away? Can writing down as much detail as you DO recall about a crime or an accident help to recreate the scene in your mind in order to fill in the blanks? I think so. And I think psychologists think so.

Which brings us right back to where we began. Does writing really help you remember? Yes, it can.



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What is the French Word for White?

Blanc or blanche, depending upon whether the noun modified is masculine or feminine. This seems to be a fairly pressing issue out there, since I've gotten about a dozen unique hits to RockStories on variations of this question over the past couple of weeks. The only single question that brings more traffic is "5000 words is how many pages?"

This seems like a good opportunity to once again offer a few tips on effective web searching. You see, it's very unlikely that a web page that offers the answer to this question will contain the text "What is the French word for white?", yet when you enter that text, that's what Google (or Yahoo, or MSN, or whomever you've chosen to use) goes looking for. In fact, it's likely that there are very few web pages anywhere in the world that use the phrase "What is the French word for white?" That may be why the people asking this question keep landing on my writing blog, which does NOT contain the answer to their question (but which does contain a post that uses both the phrase "french word" and the word "white").

I just searched the phrase "is the french word for white" (in quotes) and turned up numerous useful responses. Because, after all, that EXACT PHRASE is part of the sentence, "Blanc is the French word for white," and THAT'S the sentence we were looking for.



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What Does the Catechism of the Catholic Church Say that Dogs Go to Heaven?

The Catholic church (like, I believe, all mainstream Christian religions) teaches that only human beings have immortal souls. The Catechism says "Of all visible creatutes only man is 'able to know and love his creator.' He is 'the only creature on earth that God has willed for its own sake,' and he alone is called to share, by knowledge and love, in God's own life. It was for this end that he was created and this is the fundamental reason for this dignity." (356)




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Do You Have to Know How to Write Good to Blog?

I found this post over at Wingnut SEO; it's definitely in the spirit of this blog, both in that the question was pulled from search stats and in the tone of the answer, which is both tongue-in-cheek and factual at the same time. Check it out: Do You Have to Know How to Write Good to Blog?

Another adventage to posting this link: Wingnut said s/he wasn't in the top 50 search results for this term, but now that s/he's used that phrase in a post title and I've used it in a text link, that may all change. And you all know how I enjoy random search traffic outcomes.

What's wrong with Cinderella, anyone?



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